Yesterday was an ok day; went to Busch Gardens with my hubby, and had a pretty good day. I was VERY scatter-brained, though. I couldn't remember from one minute to the next, and I couldn't concentrate. I did the same thing 4 times because I couldn't focus long enough to catch myself before I made the SAME mistake 3 times so I had to start over again! OMGosh!! Other than that, though, pretty good day.
Today, on the other hand...TOTAL screwy day. Why do I so often wake up in the morning feeling like I'm on drugs? I totally shouldn't be allowed to do anything, talk to anybody, or make any decisions until I've been awake for like 3 hours. I don't know why I wake up so out of it. I could understand it if I still drank or was doing drugs or something, but I don't. I hate that my kids are, and always have been, more responsible for getting up in the morning that I ever have been. Seriously, I often don't even remember turning off the alarm clock most times. This is why I'm grateful for the job I have, so I don't have to rely on an alarm clock to get up for work.
Anyway, (big shocker) I got off track...I woke up this morning, just not wanting to work today. I actually got up almost 3 hours before work, but I just decided to give away my shift today. I have been so stressed about money (rather, the lack thereof) and the holidays coming up, and not having paid my car payment...I just had to take time off to figure out our bill situation. Do you THINK that's what I did all day? NO! I spend most of the day reading my e-mails and 'window' shopping the sales coming up on Black Friday. What the hell is wrong with me?
I finally did get it together and figure it out, but then I spent hours looking at cruises and planning vacations for next year...seriously, I feel like I have totally lost touch with reality sometimes. Then I feel so retarded, and embarrassed that I am such a lunatic, then I just want to crawl under a rock..then I start thinking what is the point of it all anyway? I don't want to kill myself or anything, but so often I just really wish I could fade into the woodwork and disappear...and I HATE feeling this way...I just want to be normal...
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Getting Started
I'm pretty sure nobody will be reading this, but I just thought if I could write my craziness down, it might at least help me in some way. And if, by chance, anyone does read this, maybe it can help by letting them know they are not alone, and perhaps I could get some feedback and advice as well.
Let me just begin by saying that I have really been up and down a lot lately. October is usually bad for me anyway, in that I am usually down for most of the month; this year, though, I thought the depression was on its way out, but instead, I was only up for a few days, then on my way back down again. Lately my moods have been cycling every few days or so. Yesterday, I was irritable as hell, and was feeling pretty worthless, found myself stuck on the fact that I am so NOT normal, and what is the point of it all, anyway, when I can't even find one single thing good to say about myself? I get so pissed off when people start throwing out random compliments...don't patronize me, people! Seriously...I can't think of a SINGLE good thing...not one. How sad is that? All the things I used to take pride in, are really worthless, or not mine to claim. The fact that I raised 2 great kids is no glory to me...it is only by the grace of God; it had nothing to do with me. And I used to be so proud that I served 4 years active duty in the Marines; now, it seems that it doesn't matter that I committed 4 years of my life to serve our country if I were needed...it only matters if you WERE needed and called. Since I didn't serve active during wartime, I get nothing. nada. No veteran's preference for jobs or scholarships...the best I get is a free dinner on Veterans' day...which isn't really free, because who wants to eat alone in a sit-down restaurant? And you have to buy a drink and tip, so it is still spending money I wouldn't have spent anyway.
I don't know, I guess I just get really pissed off about a lot of stuff, and I have to pray constantly to not let little things get the best of me. It's VERY hard though.
I pretty much think that everyone who loves me in my life only does so because they have to...I can't think of a single thing that there is to love about me. I truely am an awful, horrible person; I have done unthinkable, unforgiveable things in my life, and there's no getting away from some things. People have changed how they think about people, places, or things because of things that I have said or done-and not in a good way. How does one get past that? I can't change the past, but I just don't know how to move past things that have happened as far back as like 35 years (or more?) ago.
Anyway, that's where I'm at today. More tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Going to Busch Gardens for an adrenaline rush.
Let me just begin by saying that I have really been up and down a lot lately. October is usually bad for me anyway, in that I am usually down for most of the month; this year, though, I thought the depression was on its way out, but instead, I was only up for a few days, then on my way back down again. Lately my moods have been cycling every few days or so. Yesterday, I was irritable as hell, and was feeling pretty worthless, found myself stuck on the fact that I am so NOT normal, and what is the point of it all, anyway, when I can't even find one single thing good to say about myself? I get so pissed off when people start throwing out random compliments...don't patronize me, people! Seriously...I can't think of a SINGLE good thing...not one. How sad is that? All the things I used to take pride in, are really worthless, or not mine to claim. The fact that I raised 2 great kids is no glory to me...it is only by the grace of God; it had nothing to do with me. And I used to be so proud that I served 4 years active duty in the Marines; now, it seems that it doesn't matter that I committed 4 years of my life to serve our country if I were needed...it only matters if you WERE needed and called. Since I didn't serve active during wartime, I get nothing. nada. No veteran's preference for jobs or scholarships...the best I get is a free dinner on Veterans' day...which isn't really free, because who wants to eat alone in a sit-down restaurant? And you have to buy a drink and tip, so it is still spending money I wouldn't have spent anyway.
I don't know, I guess I just get really pissed off about a lot of stuff, and I have to pray constantly to not let little things get the best of me. It's VERY hard though.
I pretty much think that everyone who loves me in my life only does so because they have to...I can't think of a single thing that there is to love about me. I truely am an awful, horrible person; I have done unthinkable, unforgiveable things in my life, and there's no getting away from some things. People have changed how they think about people, places, or things because of things that I have said or done-and not in a good way. How does one get past that? I can't change the past, but I just don't know how to move past things that have happened as far back as like 35 years (or more?) ago.
Anyway, that's where I'm at today. More tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Going to Busch Gardens for an adrenaline rush.
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